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Welcome to THE TIMOTHY REPORT for February 16, 2004
“To assist, encourage, enable and equip”
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BEWARE THE CHURCH
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign which read, DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! which was posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware
of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
“Because,” the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
NOTE: I wonder sometimes if some churches should not have a “Beware the Church” sign posted on their front lawn, for the very same reason….
(The Timothy Report, Swan Lake Communications, www.timothyreport.com
February 16, 2004)
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JUST BE HONEST WITH HIM
A member of the church once got drunk. He sought to go back to God and get his peace restored. He could not find the Savior, so he sought again. His minister called upon him. The minister said, "You pray again." They knelt down together.
"O God, thou knowest thy servant in a moment of unwatchfulness was overtaken by a sin!"
"Nonsense!" said the minister, "tell the Lord you got drunk."
That was another matter; he could not bring that up. He began again: "O
Lord, thou knowest thy servant in his weakness and frailty was overtaken by
a besetment!"
"Nonsense! tell the Lord you got drunk."
At last the poor fellow said, "O God, have mercy on me; I got drunk!"
Then very speedily that man was at peace with God again.
--Mark Guy Pearce, Signs of the Times, August 19, 1897
(The Timothy Report, Swan Lake Communications, www.timothyreport.com
February 16, 2004)
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THE BIBLE
The Bible is like a gold mine in which one finds one inexhaustible vein of treasure after another. Like a diver in the sea who, having brought up jewels from the depths of the ocean, still finds greater riches of gems lying on the floor, the reader discovers inexhaustible treasures in the Bible. Like the widow’s oil and the widow’s meal which nourished Elijah, and which never wasted or ran dry, so the contents of the Bible are never exhausted. Just as a fresh supply of manna was given each day to the Israelites in the wilderness, so the spirit of God ever breaks anew the Bread of Life to those who hunger or thirst after righteousness. Just as the loaves and the fishes in the hands of our Lord were more than enough to feed the famished multitude with a surplus still remaining, so the honey and milk of the Word of God are more than sufficient to satisfy the hunger of every human soul. The supply still remains undiminished for every new generation.
--W. A. Criswell, in “Why I Preach That The Bible Is Literally True”
(The Timothy Report, Swan Lake Communications, www.timothyreport.com
February 16, 2004)
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THE BIBLE NEVER GROWS OLD
The Bible never grows old. While it is an ancient Book, century after century it renews its youth. It is as up-to-date as tomorrow’s newspaper. What book is there written that does not seem trite after repeated readings? But the Holy Scriptures, read constantly, by the affirmation of thousands of the most gifted and talented people in the world, grow richer, more majestic, more celestial, and more unfathomable.
--W. A. Criswell, in “Why I Preach That The Bible Is Literally True”
(The Timothy Report, Swan Lake Communications, www.timothyreport.com
February 16, 2004)
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THIS IS ONE WAY TO MAKE PROGRESS
George set out on a very windy night to see his friend Sam, who was sick in bed. Hours later, George dragged his weary body into Sam's house, and collapsed on the couch, exhausted. "I'll tell you," George said, when he had caught his breath, "it was just brutal. For every step I took forward, I fell back two."
"So how did you ever make it over here?" Sam asked. "Well," George replied, "after a while I decided to give up, so I turned around and headed for home."
(The Timothy Report, Swan Lake Communications, www.timothyreport.com
February 16, 2004)
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GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and
Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.
(The Timothy Report, Swan Lake Communications, www.timothyreport.com
February 16, 2004)
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LOVE WHICH BOTH WOUNDS AND HEALS
The love of Christ both wounds and heals, it fascinates and frightens, it kills and makes alive, it draws and repulses. There can be nothing more terrible or wonderful than to be stricken with love for Christ so deeply that the whole being goes out in a pained adoration of His person, an adoration that disturbs and disconcerts while it purges and satisfies and relaxes the deep inner heart.
--A. W. Tozer (1897-1963), “That Incredible Christian”
(The Timothy Report, Swan Lake Communications, www.timothyreport.com
February 16, 2004)
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ARE YOU STILL TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYBODY?
Every preacher who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away.
--J. Harold Smith
(The Timothy Report, Swan Lake Communications, www.timothyreport.com
February 16, 2004)
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HUMOR: THINK LIKE A LAWYER
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
--Unknown
(The Timothy Report, Swan Lake Communications, www.timothyreport.com
February 16, 2004)
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